Today I had a vivid flashback, as I watch my belly grow quickly before me. It could be bloat it could be that I'm pregnant with my third child, fourth pregnancy and second baby in 14 months. It could be all in my head!
I remember being 18, going to the gym 5 days a week like clockwork, 1.5 hours a shot, in a desperate attempt to reach my lofty, mostly unrealistic goals. I thought I was being brave, though and reaching for the stars!
Walking on the treadmill I catch a glance of a beautiful, fit physique with long, flowing hair drifting over. I try not to stare obviously but can't help myself. My peripheral vision is stuck on her and she moves over and all my eyes will allow me to see are the highlights. It's like watching someone else under a golden ray of light, they are perfection in your eyes.
Quickly the inner banter turns on myself and all the things she seems to have that I lack. My flat, fine hair with awkward kinks and what I think is a sad attempt at curls, my stretch marks on my hips and thighs from binge eating and growth spurts, my chest that has always looked like a long-term breastfeeding mothers', never having that perk and fullness of a young bust. My large, square thighs with proportionately teeny weeny calves and love handles with handfuls of love. The vast majority of women have been there and even exist in this torture day in and day out, multiple times a day, often when any woman comes around.
It is our human tendency, to naturally assume everyone has it easier than us. She must be happier, healthier, lighter, more fit, smarter, have more time. We get sucked in quickly, especially when someone succeeds. It is so easy to compare our chapter 1 to their chapter 10. There is so much beneath the surface we cannot see, the thoughts, the mindset, the past and present experiences, and all the other little factors.
For all I know she could have been looking at me the same way. Crazy, right? Not really. Because I failed to see the beauty within ME. I was so focussed on amplifying all these perceived positives while amplifying every corner of my weaknesses. Is that a fair fight?
Fast forward almost ten years and I still struggle with this, though admittedly with a lot of work and self-confidence buildng has improved a great deal. It takes a CONSCIOUS and CONSISTENT effort to catch yourself because those thoughts become so automatic we don't even realize that they're happening, sometimes until it's over. Try as much as possible to stop yourself in your tracks and plant some RATIONAL thoughts in there. You DON'T know their story or their journey, drop the assumptions and focus on YOUR positives and what makes YOU beautiful and unique. Even if you have to fake it because you're so lost you truly don't even see any positives about yourself. You are not SO special as to be ALL negative, right? Why would everyone else on the planet be so blessed with perfection and you so cursed? ;)
I promise you, you are FAR more valuable and beautiful than you have ever been led to believe. It will never come form the outside, it will never come once you lose the weight, once you put all that makeup on, once you fit a certain size or own a certain thing. If you cannot love yourself today, right now, then you will not love yourself with all the physical improvements in the world. Chances are, you'll love yourself LESS.
YOU are beautiful just the way you are! <3
No comments:
Post a Comment