Pregnancy is a struggle for most women for the simple fact that all our lives we are taught to improve ourselves. We are bombarded with weight loss commercials, diets, pills, magic creams and lotions to correct our "imperfections" we probably didn't even think about until seeing a commercial or hearing a comment from someone. We want to get rid of cellulite, get rid of excess fat, get rid of wrinkles, get rid of our love handles and saddlebags, get rid of bags under our eyes, we are constantly told we are just not good enough the way we are, that there are always improvements. Ask the most beautiful women on the planet and there is almost always a long list of attributes they dislike about themselves.
At 14 I began to discover the world of health and fitness, of magazines and learning to empower change, when my mom began her own serious journey to lose the large amount of excess weight SHE had gained after years of incredibly low calorie dieting and excessive exercise. I quickly became fascinated by everything there was to learn, by how we could manipulate hunger by eating more volume, by changing up how much protein, carbs and fat we ate at each meal. I was on a mission to lose the weight for good, to banish my secret binges and finally get skinny and popular. I posted up pictures of impossibly thin models all over my walls and made a "thinspiration" binder, spending hours longingly looking at the long, wispy limbs of these models, dreaming about what it would feel like to look and feel as happy as they were. To be liked. Not just by everyone else but also myself.
In-patient treatment was intense but necessary for me, that intense and constant support provided left no room for relapses. I spent three weeks there and began to feel very anxious when discharge approached. Going home, into the exact environment and activities that were set triggers for me. Just like an alcoholic, there are triggers to our repetitive behaviours like bingeing. Maybe you drive the same way every day and have a habit of stopping for fast food, then your guilt and shame trigger a domino effect of "well I already messed up" and you collapse into helplessness and despair, downing your frustrating and desperation with more food. Those binges have a neurological, calming effect that become your coping mechanism. The tricky part is that the sicker you get, with alcoholism, eating disorders, drugs, the more you try to cope but the less you are ABLE to cope, and so the cycle continues until you ultimately feel like you have zero control over your thoughts and behaviour. The only option is completely breaking the cycle and removing yourself from your environment.
So imagine suddenly being tossed back into this triggering environment and your body has, after several years, figured out it is healthy enough to ovulate. My periods had been irregular to absent for months on and off and I was a normal 20 year old on birth control. One month in the outside world, the struggle still very raw and very real, I began having slight dizziness spells that led me to take a pregnancy test.
I was alone in my home, living with my brother at the time. My boyfriend of one year, whom I loved very deeply, had come into my life at the most unexpected time and shown me a kind of unconditional love I had never experienced before. He was my rock through treatment. I had bought the test the night before after work and took it nonchalantly, thinking the outcome had to be negative. I left it and went to make myself breakfast, returning a few minutes later with only a very slight sense of worry.
I saw it right away, bright pink and clear as day itself. Two pink lines. I looked at the key and back at the lines, then back at the key again, the word "pregnant" burning itself into my eyes and it very slowly sent the signals to my brain to process. Oh, F**K! That was my response for the next 10-20 minutes as I paced the house in a complete panic.
20, pregnant, unmarried with a guy I was madly in love with but was certain would never stay with me now. I didn't even register the gravity of things on my recovery and where I was at. I just wasn't ready.
I went to the walk in and I'll never forget the day because it was a terrential downpour, the streets were flooded and I could barely see as I drove. I continued in my fog of shock and terror, certain when I arrived he would tell me it was false. No such luck. Pregnancy confirmed, a blow to the gut announced by the doctor who proceeded to tell me he would give me the name of a "clinic" where I could "get this taken care of" and to return right away for a birth control prescription. What he meant didn't register until I got home. He was suggesting I would have an abortion! It took all of an instant to realize that that just felt wrong to me and that's when I KNEW this was happening.
Holy Sh*t it was happening... Talk about probably one of the worst timing scenarios that could have happened. It took some adjusting, a few weeks at most, but I seemed to adjust quickly. Once I realized I was going to be the parent to a child, a person, and some of the things I'd gone through as a child it was quick. This was going to be very, very, very difficult but suddenly I had this responsibility to a PERSON. What if I had a baby girl? Was I going to model this behaviour, the disordered eating, the exercise addiction, the diet pill-taking, self-hating and low-self esteem behaviours? HELL no! Several of the girls I met in recovery had mother's who had the same issues, or similar as they did. It was clear to me that children learn more from what their parents ARE than what they say. Even if you think you're being sneaky about things, that no one knows, who you are INSIDE is very clear on the OUTSIDE, especially to children.
This baby was my angel, my opportunity for getting and staying healthy, for GOOD. I am 100% certain, now, that he was not a mistake but very well timed and planned for my sake, and for his. We were perfect for each other.
Next in the series, my experience through pregnancy with an eating disorder and a mindset firmly set in the old "diet mentality".
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