Beneath the Muscle: Finding Beauty

I think there can be great motivation found in the world of health and fitness, of photos of buff women, fit mother's of five, and women reaching their goals. There is NOTHING wrong with a woman who prefers the look of bodybuilders and that is her journey, there is NOTHING wrong with women who prefer a softer, curvier look. I'm not attacking any of these things but simply focussing on those LESS COMMON bodies that aren't featured in magazines, fitness calendars and articles. Motivation is one thing, but why aren't we motivated by less than perfect women? Why isn't there any variations in these worlds for other women? Why does it NEED to be extreme to be motivating? I know why...and I'm tired of it.

Why don't we talk about genetics and how that determines what your body will look like? I HATE hearing women hate on their bodies because they don't look like the women in any magazine I've seen, always super lean and buff or super skinny or it jumps to "plus size". Why do they always have tiny waists, wider hips and tiny thighs with a well balanced proportion overall? What about pear shapes and everything else? WHEN the hell did we decide that this was the "perfect" body anyway? It doesn't seem to matter where you look, whether it's with super-skinny models or fitness models, the difference seems to be in muscular tone but the body shape in general still falls into that "ideal" category.

I'm sorry but am I the only one that finds THIS stuff motivating??

Even within the last year, before I get into some of my old "diaries" through metabolic damage, I HATED my body because it wasn't as tiny and slim as it used to be. I still didn't fit into the tiny, fit model status and would never be featured in a magazine because I wasn't "small" enough. But after two kids my hips literally wouldn't shrink beyond a size 5-7. I was not the before and after who fit a 2 and would have to starve myself to get there. I won't be on your fitness calendar and therefore felt like I didn't DESERVE to love my body until it was perfect.

In each of these photos I was never good enough, I didn't compare to those magazine women, airbrushed and touched up to no end, dieted down, dehydrated and pumped up. What I didn't understand was that there was a TON of work and prep that goes into those shoots and the look delivered is NOT realistic for everyday, healthy living. I remember a trainer telling me she never got periods and that's how she knew she was lean enough. Really? Is that healthy?

WHAT"S WRONG WITH ANY OF THIS? Nothing. THIS is what I'm talking about, I'm not bashing anyone who doesn't look like this but THIS is healthy body for most people who aren't obsessed with food and fitness. THIS is healthy for ME, outside but also INSIDE (ie not starving or severely restricting foods and socially isolating myself). My mind was not there yet... because I hated myself.

THIS picture. Yup, I felt like a TANK yet look... this is not an unhealthy look. THis was probably when my truly healthy journey really started to begin, AFTER hitting my lowest weight and then crashing into oblivion. I had ignored the signs long enough, I had refused to pay attention to the importance of HEALTH, balance and living in harmony with the junk food that tugged my soul and I really had no desire to give up permanently. Why should I have to choose between happiness and skinny? I worked out 3-4x a week for 30-45 minutes each, little to no cardio (during rehab of the metabolism this is very important) and ate well balanced meals 90% of the time. And I looked like this, yet felt like a failure.

 But look, I don't have the genetics for figure. To build the shoulders I would have to work years and even then would probably never be superior to those with the genetics for a heavier upper body. Blocky quads and a small upper body mean I just wasn't born with an ideal body shape and the only time I ever got close was below 130lbs.

In every single case I had to have disordered, unhealthy eating and lifestyle to reach that goal of looking like those bodies. Looking back I am finally able to see the beauty in those photos yet still suffer from body dysmorphia (I do not see in the mirror what is actually there, I see something ugly, and large even when I am small). It is a daily struggle but has come a long way. 

If you look like the magazines then that's great! Awesome, good for you! ESPECIALLY if you've found a way to do it in a healthy, balanced and sane way that doesn't compromise social activities, events, relationships and your period. If you're healthy and 200 lbs that's FANTASTIC too! I'm not going sink down to anyone else's level and start bashing anyone for who they are, BUT I WILL stand up for women of all shapes and sizes and promote HEALTHY LIVING. STOP bashing your body and yourself, this shit needs to stop. The generations coming behind us are continuing these behaviours and modelling exactly what we do. Standing in front of the mirror judging yourself harshly rubs off on your child. One day I caught my son saying he was fat and I have no memory of saying that in front of him... until I caught myself saying something one day. I didn't think he could hear but there's many things I don't think he can hear then repeats. Children are incredibly smart and intuitive. 

Of course it is always within US, it is OUR responsibility to work on how we think, but what we're exposed to day in and day out has a large impact on our thoughts and ideals as well. These "ideal" body shapes were CREATED. Love yourself, be proud, stand out, go against the grain and most of all NEVER call others down for where they are at on their journey. You have NO idea the battles and challenges they face and chances are they are thinking the same or worse about themselves. Be compassionate, the world needs more of that. <3

Chelsea