Finding Meaning in Devastation

My world closed in on me 2 days ago, less than a week before returning to work, when I finally gathered every ounce of courage I could muster to take a home pregnancy test after almost a week of denial and avoidance, not a normal reaction for me. I am normally a POAS (pee-on-a-stick) addict. After conceiving one son on birth control at age 20, in the middle of my nursing school education, and with my now husband for only a year, I would say I have grown quite the paranoia about pregnancy. Not to mention watching those pregnancy shows on TV where they don't know until the baby pops out, that just fed my paranoia like white on rice.

There I was, alone in the house. Well, my dog Pixie was staring at me but who was she going to tell anyway. We're buds like that. I pulled out a test and figured I would just go for it. The signs weren't blaring but I was cramping pretty good for about 5 days and had the odd, very very vague sense of dizziness that tipped me off enough to make me hesitant. I peed on that stick and stared...waiting... within seconds that evil pink line emerged from it's secret, white silence. Oh no. Not again. 

It was a tough day as the realizations flooded into my already crowded and overburdened brain. I can barely remember to feed the two children I have! I JUST started being able to fold a basket of baby clothes in under 10 hours! Jaxon LITERALLY just started sleeping through the night the week before and suddenly all I remembered what the many sleepless nights, the endless hours of crying and screaming, the reflux, the colic, the intense clinginess to mom. No, I didn't have easy children. Both my boys were the same. Both were up 4-6x every night, only Jaxon was FAR more feisty and fiery than Jake, who was very content during the day as long as mom held him 24/7 and woke up a million times at night. Jax was all that AND still was never happy and comfortable. It took nearly 8 months to get to a place where we felt like we could be somewhat sane again. And he's only 12 months now. That torture is still raw. 

But.... as much as I'm paralyzed in fear I realized I always wanted three. I've said this many times (stupid girl), but the universe CLEARLY misunderstood my tone. NOT NOW!!!! Then the signs began to occur to me, seemingly out of nowhere. Jake had mentioned twice in recent weeks about having a baby sister and a baby in my tummy. I'd seen a post from a favorite "psychic" of mine about miscarriages being "children out of order", that the loss is not a true loss but that the "wrong" child was conceived first. I realized, we lost an angel two years ago 3 months before conceiving Jaxon. It was a devastating loss that I remember very clearly, a loss that shook my entire world and weighed so heavily on the very depths of my soul I thought I could never heal. We desperately wanted that baby and the second we were "officially" informed that the ultrasound showed a complete loss my world crashed down and crushed my soul, my heart, my whole body. I couldn't breathe, think, or move for a long time. It was like tidal waves crashing over and over inside me as the words rang in my ears. Disbelief. 

That baby was conceived almost to the day of this new life. What was strange was that I remember so very clearly feeling that we'd lost our baby girl. When I had my sexing ultrasound with Jaxon I knew it was a boy, and he sure was :) Only time will tell but I can't help but feel a deep sense of things working out, that this truly is our angel returning to us. Maybe it's clinging to hope, and I'm fine with that, but my soul is telling me I have found the meaning in the loss of our baby girl, just as I'd said those years ago. I will embrace three boys with all my heart, but, if our beautiful surprise baby shows up a sweet girl I will not have a single shred of doubt that she has returned to us. <3