Beneath the Muscle: Losing Control

Finding beauty while your body has decided to defy all efforts to "get healthy" is horrifying. Have you ever felt a complete loss of control over yourself after having control in the utmost strict sense? For anyone this can be truly terrifying, as you are forced to continue this walk into the unknown, where the terrain is impossible to see more than your two feet in front of you. You begin to feel like you're fighting every obstacle possible. You begin your journey, completely unaware that you will be entering the land of mud, rain, heat, lightening and violent winds and there is no option of turning back. You are CERTAIN you are making the right decision and pour every ounce of your being into that decision, determined to be better, do greater things. Suddenly, you feel this sense of inner purpose playing out and begin to ignore all the warning signs, determined to fight your way through adversity and come out on top, after all, thousands have done it before you. And no one ever told you what happens when you lose control of the terrain and environment. No one warned you what happens when you get too deep, too fast and ignore those warning signs because you just didn't know in the first place.

Welcome to Metabolic Damage.

This isn't limited to the world of competitive fitness. Oh no, enter chronic dieters, fad dieters and sometimes even those who tried one or two things and worked SO hard, and unknown to them, the WRONG way, and that was enough. It is an adaptive response as the body desperately tries to halt your efforts as it's programmed to retain energy stores. You can have this normally with dieting and, if done properly, has no long-term effects. If done improperly, as such is the case with rapid weight loss and extreme dieting over extended periods, you CAN damage your metabolism. Each of us ends up here with a different story, a different path, and the invisible terrain we are required to cross into healing can be more violent for some than others. Each individual's journey is their own.

Metabolism, Good or Bad, is ALWAYS a Progression Over Time

If you've been reading along then you know it happened over the course of two years with a heavier emphasis on my final competitive season. Two competitions and a total training time of approximately 6 months if my memory serves me correct. Of course, I had a history of poor eating habits, flat-out disordered eating and exercise habits and some metabolic damage as a result but my first pregnancy literally seemed to catapult me into recovery without me having to truly realize my mistakes.

So in good spirit, life brings the same challenges repeatedly until we learn our lessons, right? And so that is what happened. I starved and binged my way to skinny, still hated myself and decided to get uber-healthy by getting competitive with fitness and taking the stage by storm with unrealistic expectations and an outlandish approach. I was willing to nearly kill myself to make it to that stage the "best" I could be. That is all I wanted, to do my best, as always.

Battling in Silence

This was one of the loneliest times of my life. I feared talking about it, I didn't fully understand what was happening until my endless chatting and writing on message boards brought me to a group of amazing women on a bodybuilding website that weren't afraid to talk about this issue hidden in the dark. My eyes were opened, the moment the "light" turned on I will never forget. An epiphany of sorts.

I kept quiet because I felt deeply embarrassed and ashamed. I felt like a failure! I heard the whispers around me about my situation, my decisions and leaving multiple coaches in my first two years. What did I know, right? How dare I judge and leave. I changed gyms and stopped going into the free weight area. I hated seeing my "new" body in the mirror, couldn't accept it, and felt like I didn't deserve to be there. There were many times I still felt like that tiny, skinny girl and, after catching sight of myself or photos, recoiled in disbelief. It was such a dramatic and appalling transformation. My dreams were shattered.

At first I thought it was just a simple burnout that needed rest and relaxation but began to realize it was more. After 2 months struggling in the gym on my own and gaining over 25lbs in 6-8 weeks (on 1800 calories at 5'9" and quite active, which SHOULD be a fat loss equation), physically exhausted after incredibly mild workouts (compared to what I had become accustomed to). I started reaching out for help, the few names I was given that had experience with this kind of issue charged a GREAT DEAL of money. Worth it? Sure... but there was literally no way to even pay it, only weeks before our wedding and a dress that was not likely to even fit. I even received a couple responses from trainers willing to help me continue dieting down so I could fit into my wedding dress. At this point I knew this was a HUGE red flag from any coach or trainer. You CANNOT diet your way out of a situation that DIETING got you into in the first place. This is NOT easy to accept, especially when we are conditioned and have learned that dieting and dropping sizes can fix many things.

Plan for Success: Ignorance is NEVER Bliss

I started at 4 carbs/ day (being 1/4 cup oats or 1/2 cup rice. No bread/pasta, no beef). I was then cut in half within the first 2 weeks. Then I was dropped to zero carbs at about the halfway point (6 weeks in) to kick things up. My coach wanted me to win and I knew I could. I trained so hard. I had never cheated like the last year, cut out cheat meals altogether 4 weeks out from my shows (and they were 4 weeks apart so I basically went 8-9 weeks with only 1 cheat). Turns out cheating is what saved me last year! I listened to my body more last year, trusted my knowledge and instincts and kept my body functioning well by cheating on my plans. Again, stopped cheating the previous year between my first and second shows, added more cardio and cut more food and, well, you saw the result in the previous blogs. This second year I thought I was wrong...two trainers in a row that cut all my carbs and gave me completely draining workouts? I was just being a wimp, had to suck it up and push even harder. And I did notice how sensitive I had become to EVERYTHING. Salt, carbs, anything would make me feel puffy. I was doing the 2hrs cardio with my weights for a good 8-10 weeks. The thought almost makes me dizzy...speaking of dizzy I suffered with that constantly. Huge head rushes, a few times I thought I would pass out, once I was at the top of a flight of stairs. I couldn't think or function so that's why I was downing ephedrine and caffeine...desperate to numb the hunger and lethargy. I was even told NOT to eat through my ENTIRE 12 hour night shifts because we store fat at night (I've never seen any evidence on this, by the way). I remember watching the other nurses snack all night, starving. 

Life Lessons

I was given the lessons I needed to learn, to trust myself, to trust my knowledge and ability to get through the hard time and to realize we all make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes cause a great ripple effect but in the big picture of my life it won't be so horrifying. The mental effects of this diet mentality goes much deeper than the physical and take much longer to repair. This mentality has always been with me and has been something I struggle with on a daily basis, it's only the core challenges that change through time. I am getting better, stronger each day, but I still have a long way to go.


<3 Chelsea <3



If you're ready to lose the RIGHT kind of weight and can relate with the story above, still struggling to find your way, contact me to get started on your path to healthy, long-term and sustainable weight loss. FAT, not muscle. Sacrificing your body and sanity just aren't worth it. Chelsea_knox@hotmail.com   Practical nutrition advisor, wellness coach, registered nurse and contest prep coach in training.