If you followed along with my previous blog then you probably thought my "after" picture was quite extraordinary. I had a few comments on how buff I was and so on but that's NOT the end of the story! Oh no, we're not done yet ;)
I did my second contest 4 weeks later and KILLED myself trying to work harder. I dropped more weight and more body fat and came in very lean and flat (you can "fill" your muscles with appropriate and very particular carbohydrate and glycogen manipulation several days leading up to contest day to draw out all the subcutaneous water and push it into the muscle to look FULL and STRONG). At this point it became almost impossible to fill me out and actually took a HUGE binge afterward to fill me out to where I even looked remotely good, in my honest opinion I peaked the day following my massive binge for a brief time before spilling over and bloating.
This second time on stage is when I knew things were very wrong. I couldn't think clearly, like I was thinking through sludge. My walk was uncoordinated and awkward and I felt dizzy all day long. I felt WAY off my game and left feeling awful. Nope, I didn't feel good about my stage presence at all. I didn't HAVE any, I was lucky to be even remotely present and THAT was quite a feat in itself that day. I placed last.
Here's a side-by-side comparison for you reference. Remember, this was only 5ish weeks apart!
Immediately I began to struggle with post-contest. When the goal was past what did I do? I couldn't afford to keep my program, my hubby hated me and competing by this point after watching me go through what I did and how unstable my moods were, how much energy I lacked. I reached out for advice but was told I would have to buy another program. So I floundered on my own and ultimately gained 20lbs back. I had no clue what I was doing! I told myself I was bulking for next season.
As the following season approached my husband was quite dismayed to hear I wanted to try again. I entered a 12 week transformation contest the next season, the perfect solution for lack of money for a program, trainer and supplements required. I was ecstatic to have been chosen out of many who applied! I trusted his name and quickly realized he was a "big deal". I felt special and more determined than ever because I was chosen to join this challenge! I worked HARD to impress my trainer and win. And I did! Of COURSE I did, this is what I do, throw myself full force into my dreams! But again..at what cost?
Dying to be a Fit Pro
I hit the stage that season at 125lbs (again, I'm 5'9"). My smallest pants were falling off and I looked ripped if you could see past the bones. Of course I did, I had nearly no body fat to cover what was left of my muscle. After losing 3-4lbs a week for months I had little muscle left. I worked out 3 hours a day 6-7 days a week this time around. You read that right. I left a former trainer who had me doing HALF that and eating the same amount of calories (this diet WAS more satisfying but I was STILL pumping illegal fat burners in a desperate attempt to keep my raving appetite at bay). I wasn't allowed cheat days, cheat meals and zero carbs for several months beforehand. I lived on 6 tbsp of coconut oil a day, green veggies and chicken. I still can't eat most of the things I ate then without wanting to gag...
*A few weeks before competing, the photo that won the tranformation contest. Looking imbalanced. *
I began dehydrating on Thursday for a Saturday contest. Flashing red lights were going off all over my head by this point, especially after seeing multiple workouts for different competitors that were EXACTLY the same for each one in this trainer's possession, waiting to be handed out like candy. But, I shut myself up again. What did I know? He's the champion bodybuilder, I'm the student, just listen if you want to be a champion! It CLEARLY worked for him!
Do you want to punch me as bad as I do right now???
I was given a piddly ration of carbohydrate despite my protests about being able to handle DRAMATICALLY larger doses without bloating and I was trying hard to focus and not cheat. I felt dry and thirsty beyond your wildest imagination by Saturday morning. Again... brain felt foggy and I was FLAT as a board. I NEEDED carbs!! I was sneaking small amounts all day long because I was pretty certain I would die. I had never felt hours drag on like that day did... all I could think about was water. I'm so glad I had the common sense to sneak several gulps, especially after hearing the multiple stories of this past year of athletes collapsing, even dying from severe dehydration tactics like these (tactics NOT BASED ON SCIENCE BTW!!!!). By the evening show I got on stage and felt just as bad as I had the year before. I was even more skinny and depleted, had gained NOTHING since last year and felt like I was going to collapse. The worst moments were trying to hold poses because I was so weak. It was so much work I was literally breathless, my body begging for release. I couldn't keep my heels on because my muscles were cramping so severely and I didn't even care anymore by the end of it, I just wanted it to end. What I thought I was working so hard for the last two years suddenly went up in smoke. I broke. THIS was NOT worth it. I placed top 10 of 25+ women. Good experience? No...
Myself and fellow teammate hours before competing
Evening Show- I was already sneaking sips of water and nibbles carbohydrates almost non-stop trying to fill out
The Rebound Spiral
I threw myself into a binge that night, not an uncommon sight after a contest. I earned it, afterall. But it continued the next day and I felt out of control beyond anything ever before. I must have eaten 10,000 calories that day. And guess what? I didn't even bloat, my muscles filled out SO nicely and I FELT like a tank but I genuinely wasn't even close.
Within 24 hours I felt a deep, deep depression. I was told it was because I hadn't set any goals to keep training and that I was being negative about things but I felt a deep sense of panic again about rebound and this very sudden and complete loss of control. And now I felt alone and stupid for not being able to get myself back on track after a day or two like I was told I should, like champions do.
* 24 hours and thousands of calories later I felt gross and huge... because I wasn't used to having shape and curve from filled out muscles and the energy from carbohydrates. That feeling alone made me feel panicky. See how these restrictive ways can wreck havoc on your MIND? *
I struggled through and committed to an off-season plan, which was frighteningly similar to my on-season plan but with only 45 minutes of cardio instead of 2 hours. The first week I hated every minute and found it immensely difficult to push myself through my workouts. How could I go from LOVING the gym, running 2 hours a day and an hour of intense weight circuits PLUS ab work and sometimes extras on top of all that to hating the gym? I spoke up and said I felt like I was pushing too hard for off-season, I needed a break and felt so burnt out. The literal response was, "suck it up princess". I didn't respond well to that, was told it was a joke, to lighten up and take a couple days off then return with full force. Not the answer I was looking for.
Within the next couple days my gut feeling turned into a scream and I was no longer able to avoid it. It was like hitting a wall face first, at full speed. Something I needed to finally make me see what was happening. My body had had enough, it was done. It let me know, loud and clear that it was DONE.
I was on the treadmill, pushing through my sprints, 10 minutes in and feeling like dying. That's when I hit the wall. My legs were weak, my heart was racing and I felt dizzy. I stepped off onto the sides... I felt it, I heard my soul scream it out to me... and there I was, fighting it again. I took a longer break and got back on. At 12 minutes on the nose is when I realized I was done. I literally could NOT go on, my body wouldn't even allow me and I just wanted to collapse.
That woke up my brain, my brain that was in such denial. Suddenly I realized that going up a flight of stairs took ALL my breath and my heart was racing. I became dizzy at the weights, especially with leg exercises. My resting heart rate was significantly increased. My entire body was aching and raw feeling and my emotional health was plummeting. This is one of the lowest points I've ever felt... this very moment in time. All my hard work, gone. I felt weak, powerless, stupid, betrayed, angry, bitter, sad, deeply depressed, anxious and completely panicked.
Red flags and flashing red lights were alarming all over the place. Ok... I think I'm STARTING to get it. This is more than just ME being weak and lacking willpower. This was something BIGGER than me... HOW did I NOT see it coming?!?!? Denial seems like such an incredibly simplistic way of explaining it... and believe it or not, things actually got worse from here.
* Within a few weeks I had gained 10+ pounds. I remember how much I hated myself here... I DID think I looked huge, because compared to how impossibly tiny I was a few short weeks ago my body was dramatically different, but mostly because I felt completely lost, depressed and out of control as my body spiralled into a rebellious lesson to be learned about the dieting mentality, extreme diets and how many things may be effective, but that doesn't mean they're safe, healthy or long-term solutions *
Until next time!
<3 Chelsea <3
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