Pregnant at 21. Not an easy thing to go through if you're not prepared, especially if you're still working on stabilizing your physical and mental health. If you've been following along in the series, welcome to #3 of my journey to balanced health and fitness from extreme black and white thinking, depression and disordered eating.
I found out at about 5 or 6 weeks along, having known my body quite well. I was determined not to mess up my child but I had a LONG way to go. So I began to eat. And eat, and eat, and eat. In total I'd gained 60lbs in this pregnancy by the end.
I remember seeing my doctor around 20 weeks after a bit of my own "growth spurt" and she asked what was wrong with me after seeing my weight. I quietly said, "I don't know" in response, looking sheepishly at the ground, and cried fairly hysterically on the way home. Not much sensitivity. At this point in my journey this is where I was at. I NEEDED to just eat and figure it out, it was much better than NOT eating, right? At least I wasn't HURTING the baby, I was only hurting myself.
Diet Qualms
Two slices of pizza and a chocolate bar before bed after night shifts seemed ok, right? I had NO idea what I was doing, all I knew is that everyone talks about eating for two while pregnant and here was my excuse without the consequences. Boy was I wrong!
Yup, the baby had to come out eventually and to my shock and dismay he wasn't actually 20lbs plus all the gunk that goes with pregnancy, nor was it all water weight I'd gained. Nope. He came out a teeny, tiny 5lbs 13oz and I only lost 10 lbs when I weighed myself a week later. This was borderline life devastation! (This was taken at 3 weeks postpartum)
The SECOND I had that baby I was on a diet, not enjoying my new family to the fullest like I should but squishing around my incredibly jelly-like belly non-stop and trying to conceal my gut. I was horribly embarrassed and hard on myself. They brought my breakfast tray within an hour of giving birth and I remember leaving my 2% milk on the tray and the bread. I started counting calories and vowed to myself to starve it off, which wasn't hard when bringing home a newborn and first child at such a young age. I was very stressed and suddenly trying to be super mom and keep up with the cooking, cleaning, feedings, diapers and getting skinny. I felt stressed out... a lot. My baby was up every two hours for feeds and it took almost an hour to feed and change him. He was HUNGRY and he was SLOW, I was lucky to get an hour in between. I used to struggle falling asleep quickly until him, though. Either I slept fast or I didn't sleep!
I was never easy on myself, though. I was never doing good enough or keeping up enough, making creative enough dinners, or keeping the house clean enough. It was just never enough. I lost ALL the excess 60lbs I gained and then a couple by 4 months post-partum. How awesome, right? Yeah, sure. Physically I was tiny again but there was SO much that didn't meet the eye.
The Price of Skinny
How did I do it? Well I starved all day and binged in secret at night (which would boost my metabolism but I constantly felt out of control). See there's something called Intermittent Fasting (google it) that some fitness buffs do because it works well for them. There are many myths around eating 6 meals a day to boost metabolism (NO science on that btw though holds many benefits for certain people, especially if you like to eat). Which is perfectly fine IF your mindset is healthy. Mine... was not. I constantly felt out of control. I would have no problem starving all day and eating rabbit food, only 900-1200 calories until bedtime but suddenly I was unable to control myself and felt my mind spiralling. I began slipping into old habits and couldn't find my way out. I had NO muscle left (yup, still hated my body fat, skinny, whatever it was it was never good enough. You CANNOT find happiness in a number on the scale). I picked up most illnesses that blew in the wind, I was EXHAUSTED all the time (and actually felt good when I felt wiped after a workout, pumping caffeine to kill my appetite, avoiding eating after workouts to save calories...all kinds of horribly unhealthy habits). I really thought skinny meant misery, that there's no way I could be happy AND skinny OR happy and fat so I would just choose skinny. I didn't care if I was healthy, I really didn't. I ate "clean" but because all the fitness buffs and models were and I thought that's what I had to do to be skinny, and had to do it ALL the time just like Tosca Reno. I could never understand what was so wrong with me that I couldn't stop wanting "normal" food. See some of the things that are wrong with my mindset and self-talk yet?? I hope so.... If not check yourself, especially if this sounds familiar to you! ;)
I was weak and snapped at my children, my moods were unstable and I still suffered with quite extreme fatigue, constant muscle soreness and aches so extreme I would beg my husband for massages. I was breaking down, I hated taking my precious boy to the park because I was too tired to stand and play. I just wanted to sit and watch but he was too small.
Dieting not working? Why not diet HARDER... STUPID
So it wasn't getting me what I wanted. I figured I would go into competing Now THEY were the ultimate picture of health, right? I had no idea what I was getting into. First, I'm one of the most stubbron people you'll ever meet. When I set my mind to something I will make it happen. I'm also obsessive and neurotic about learning and have to know everything I can about things when I get started. I put 150% into everything, my greatest blessing and my greatest curse.
When I started out I looked good. I didn't feel great but I mean, things were far more balanced than what I would get into in the future...
So I went into competing and began dieting and working out. Right out of the gate at 5'9" and breastfeeding a ten month old I was started on 1.5 hour a day workouts and 1600 calories. I was dizzy the first couple days and even my husband was urging me to eat a banana and I was too terrified of ruining everything. Is this the right mindset???? Is this healthy? No. None of this was right for me and I felt it but I was young and wasn't the expert so I went along. And of course it worked, of course I lost the body fat and I actually looked really good and healthy my first contest. I didn't FEEL good. I felt the same exhaustion, I was starving bones all the time, and dreaming of binges. In fact, I WAS bingeing in secret at LEAST once a week and was still losing like crazy. Another red flag. I learned that a large cheat meal once a week actually spikes metabolism while dieting so I justified my actions.
I placed third. Now I had more fuel in my irrational fire, it was working so why question it??
Don't I look happy in that picture?!?!?
Ignoring Red Flags... Next time on Behind the Muscle!
Thanks for reading! <3 <3 Don't forget to SHARE, you never know who you're helping <3 <3
<3 Chelsea <3
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