Trying to Control the Uncontrollable
We ALL want more control over our lives. In fact, for some, the biggest struggles of our lives revolve around this control issue. For someone who has had the ultimate of control over the body at various points in life one can probably imagine the terror involved when that control is lost. It all cases thus far in my lifetime my extreme efforts to gain control and become BETTER have all backfired tremendously.
I began gripping my uncontrollable cupboard attacks by finding ways to purge my indulgences. It didn't take long to backfire as I spiralled into an uncontrollable web of bingeing and purging. I fell pregnant and felt like I had control, eating what I wanted, when I wanted, until my son was born and I realized I had really only lost complete control and gained 60lbs, not healthy weight either. I regained control immediately and dropped all 60lbs and then some, got on stage 4x in what appeared to be the PEAK of all control, to get into single digit body fat levels, buff and tough like never before. I was the picture of self-control. Yet inside I was still an uncontrollable mess, struggling with myself and my need to EAT. Again, my control backfired as I spiralled into a cycle of overtraining and dieting, and, ultimately metabolic damage. My body took over completely, once again, gained 30lbs in 6-8 weeks and responded horribly to physical exertion and exercise. I was depressed, anxious and felt like a complete and utter embarrassing failure.
Life will Continue Bringing the same Lessons Until we Learn what is REQUIRED
Falling pregnant with my second son was planned and I started out at a higher weight, still struggling with the damage done. I would still gain 3lbs in a weekend off track (not even bingeing but eating differently), with a couple extra desserts or extra sodium. But now it would never come off. The weight would just keep piling on, whereas before my body was able to fire up its engines and level out within 3-5 days. Usually it was water weight gained and would propel my metabolism into the burning zone again. So, heading in I wanted to ensure I had a great deal of control over my eating. In the first trimester I struggled with severe nausea and acid reflux. I could barley eat. Nearing 10-11 weeks I began to feel better and thought for sure I'd lost 5-10lbs, especially considering I started this whole ordeal on the higher end of the scale. Nope. I'd gained 3lbs.
This is where I began to feel true despair and fear. My tendency toward completely irrational thoughts started like a runaway train on steroids. Suddenly I could envision myself gaining 80-100lbs while consuming a reasonable, if not LOW amount of calories. I committed to 1800 calories a day in order to keep my weight in check but it was never enough.
My appetite was still lacking and now I was dealing with a slowed digestive system thanks to pregnancy hormones working hard to suck up every ounce of nutrition and I felt full and bloated even at that but I was unwilling to go lower, KNOWING full well that I should DEFINITELY be eating markedly more. But I wasn't willing to gain the weight. The SCALE was more important.
I struggled with extreme constipation, up to 12 days at times, as my metabolism struggled, my body slowed, I continued popping my synthetic iron (which we later had to switch to chlorophyll because NOTHING was helping, this synthetic iron is not broken down well and is highly constipating at the best of times). I struggled with self-image, though happy to be taking a more balanced approach. I enjoyed my treats daily in moderate amounts, fit them into calories, continued to focus on a healthy diet 80% of the time, lots of protein and veggies, working out 3x a week, lifting weights and minimal cardio. Things were looking really good, actually. I had made HUGE improvements from my first pregnancy and I CANNOT down play that. But my mentality was still off, this mentality that has always gotten me into trouble. And my body still struggled to keep up. In the end I did fabulous, only gained 30 healthy pounds and remained fairly fit and active. But I tell ya, I had many a melt down!! Every single day I was worried about how much weight I was gaining, how fast, how big was I getting, would I be as small as the next girl, did she gain more than me or less than me, how do I measure up with other prego's? It was constant.
It's Never as Easy as it Seems
Just goes to show that no matter how it looks on the outside we all have our struggles. And when my son was born I only dropped 17lbs within the first two weeks and was left with the remaining 13lbs to lose PLUS the original 10-15bs I had not needed prior to pregnancy, anyway.
With my first the weight fell off, it seemed. With my healthy metabolism and younger, more resilient body. I sincerely hoped pregnancy would completely reset my body and I could be skinny-minny in months again. Not so much. It turned out to be one of the most moving journey's of my life to date, filled with much struggle and re-adjusting of my personal "rules" and regulations for a skinny body. If I wanted to be healthy I couldn't do what I'd done thus far. KNOWING it is one thing, TRUSTING it and being able to actually CHANGE that is another!
<3 Chelsea <3
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