Beauty is in the MIND of the Beholder

I'm going to get very personal and honest here. 

My immediate reaction to this and the rest of the photo's in my maternity shoot gallery was not what I was expecting. As a woman, a perfectionist, I have the uncanny ability to instantly spot a flaw and zone in with incredible speed and voraciousness.

Upon seeing the very first picture I immediately thought, “OMG, this is horribly disgusting. How could I DO THIS to myself?!?!?”. No joke. This was followed by about 100 automatic thoughts of how horrid I look and listing of reasons why my thoughts were valid.

My eyes narrowed on my chubby cheeks, wide arms, enormous hips and complete lack of muscle tone.

I was still struggling to love and accept myself prior to pregnancy. This fine-tuned ability to mutilate my body, one part at a time, wasn’t born overnight you know. No, it took a lifetime of practice.

This is my low-quality pre-pregnancy photo. I still felt chubby in this picture ;) 

I felt disgust, hatred, horror, disbelief, shame, guilt…  I had dreams of having just one pregnancy where I didn’t end at nearly 200 pounds.

Right from day one, once the shock wore off I was dreaming of the “perfect” pregnancy. This was it, third time’s the charm! I was going to be one of those perfect pregnant women. No stretch marks, minimal fat gain, still looking trim and fit with a big belly. I had this impossible ideal built up in my mind.

I found my appetite completely lacking so I began tracking what I ate again to ensure I was getting enough of everything since I noticed I was chronically low in healthy fats and protein. The weight was climbing despite my efforts.

Just like each time before my muscle tone quickly disintegrated and my hips began expanding. I was out of pre-pregnancy clothes by the end of the first trimester.

Around 25 weeks I realized that I was doing everything I needed to, that the swelling was much more dramatic than any previous pregnancy and that I was doing all I could to have a healthy pregnancy. What more could I do? I FELT like cutting calories and even tried for a few weeks which just led to even MORE weight gain. Clearly I just didn’t have the control I thought I “should”. As a very logical, scientific-obsessed person this was not an easy realization and I’m still struggling to come to terms with it.

So…there I was, focusing on all the things I must have done wrong and breaking myself into the mud with shame and accusations. I looked through the album a 4^th time, 5^th time, and I slowly began to widen my filter off of myself and onto my surroundings. I began to see the beauty I was missing by having my sights set so intently on individual pieces of myself. I was missing everything…

I saw the beautiful, vivid colors. I saw the wind in my dress covering a large baby bump with my son growing happily inside. I saw the love in my husbands’ eyes, and I remember feeling beautiful in those moments. I didn’t feel like what I saw in my first couple of views. I felt beautiful and glowing. Then I saw what has always owned my heart. My boys. I saw fleeting moments that were quickly rushing past me and a small window of time left with this newest addition being a part of my body and soul.

I saw imperfection in myself  and reacted so immediately, so thoughtlessly and automatically that I just about missed the best parts. This is something I know I will always struggle with, it is so deeply engrained in my core but I can tell you a few years ago there was no getting me out of this one. I would spiral into a depression and the second that baby broke free I would be on a starvation diet to “fix” the “damage” I had done. I would wish away all of it and completely miss so many beautiful moments. That’s what I did after my first son. Within moments of him being born my mind was turned to dieting. My first meal in hospital I picked at because I wouldn’t drink 2% milk or eat butter on my toast.

I’m done. I’m in control and though I’m still struggling 6 years later I know how much progress I’ve made and I’m so very thankful I now have the ability to see the true beauty in my body and what is happening to it in spite of now being tiny and buff like I thought I would. 

** More photo's coming soon!